so i just read an old post on here
and it suprised me how much i remembered everything i said
i could remember everything as if it was yesterday
well i could live it out
it 530 am and im talkin to geoff right now
and a lot has changed since the last time i really wrote in here
i moved away from elk grove
to a new place called home in the roseville area...
i met a whole new bunch of friends
and sadly forgot my old ones
that leaves me leading to something where i found in memoirs of a geisha...
i think i have a lot of water...
i seem to move from place to place alot
never ever staying where im satisfied
water seems to flow to the lowest point..
and it just seems im flowing lower and lower than i was before
i felt like i was at my peak before
but now it just feels like im slowly draing myself out of who i am
or who i was
or who i should be
i have no clear conscience or guide to hold my hand...
i dont need one
i just need to remember who i was what i need and who i could be
i just need to be around the people who i was with
when i became me
i need to resist the new feature and remmeber where i came from
but why am i so hypotcritcal
i used to write about knowing past before moving on to a new person
i wrote aboutit with my grandma
and what does that make me
i really dont know
i do love the people i kick it with now
but i do also have my drawback towards them
its like i have to join them to see what kind of people they are
and how others see them...
i went to salinas this past weekend and i found a new philosphie
about myself but cant seem to remember it because of the time with the family
i know it was really important
but it had to do with honesty and being able to confront and just being myself
ive been trying to work hard lately on being myself
the saying in my head the lynn keeps banging into my head...dont forget where you came from..
i have this striving to go back to elk grove..well whenever im in elk grove i just drive around to the houses i used to kick it at...i cant go to larrys much..its burned...
noli...derek..kim...jon...i know i wasnt close to some of them..but i made them in my mind so much to me...
but what did i ever do for myself..why did i give so much of myself
and not get anything back in return..i did whatever i could just to be with them
and i dont know how to be treated back
i miss them though..i miss the folks i met though pyc
i was just talkin to judzon...a great cat i missed..and will always have fun with no matter what
i just remmeber a talk that me and him and john reyes had at my house one evening in the summer where we had nothing else to do
we talked hours about dreams...analysis philosphies..our opinions on dreams
and to me i hold that one of my most important conversations i ever had..
i will never forget that dream conversation.
i had so much for myself a few years ago...
now i dont think i nutured myself enough before i set for my career
i think my mind is still yearning to learn more
but i do want to go back to school
but i dont know for what this time..something thatll get me somewhere
or something that will satisfy me
i think im going to do the science shtii and try to minor in sociology
just because i want to
i want to do this
but you know what i never do it
thats another change i must do
and make myself learn
like lynn said..if i really wanted to i would....
i love you family granmda
geoff golda larry lynn
i love you all
1 Comments:
So since you told me to read this because no one else reads it, since its secret secret, I decided to read it...
And I know exactly how you feel. To feel like you're at a high point in your life, the highest you've ever been, and then suddenly...have it all come crashing down. And you don't know how to bring yourself back up again. But you can't go back to where you were, so you try to change and hope that changing will make it alright again, even better...yet it doesn't. Not completely. And you wonder if the changes and decisions you made were the right ones. I know what its like dude...i've been there. Shit, i'm still there. I don't know what i'm doing, or where i'm going. And its hard. I know what its like to want to go back to the way things were before. But then i realized that if i did, i would never grow and learn...i would never be able to find out who i really am. And the thing is, i still don't know. But i'm learning, and i'm finding out more and more each day. And thats the most important thing.
I guess what i'm trying to say is, that you can change...just don't forget. Remember who you used to be when you were happy with who you were...take the elements of that person, and make that a part of who you are now. Surround yourself with family, because family will always be there for you, no matter what. And don't forget the people that were always there for you. Let them know how much they mean to you. Even though some of those people might not be around now, there are still the few that still care for you and will always be there for you, regardless of what happens along the way.
It's funny because i also know what its like to give so much of yourself, and yet never get anything back in return...and i'm doing that right now. But i don't expect anything from you though dude. The reason why i do it is because your my friend. I don't blame you for what happened/didn't happen in the past...i understand why you did what you did. Sometimes people just need to do what they need to do. Like this...i just had to get this out, and as much as i wish it didn't have to be through here, its the only way i know how. You're my best friend EJ...and you've done more for me than you know. I love you dude. And i don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do...I'm always here for you. Don't ever forget that.
Remember, i know all about the dream bubble too...
PeACe
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