i was readin through my old xangas
and it felt as it was almost just a couple weeks ago everything happened
i could relive each moment
feel the emotion the people and the presence
it was understandable and also embarassing

im listening to the used right now
and im still not happy with what im doing
i thought i would be able to manage friends
but its hard because i just dont want to upset so many and feel like im hanging out with them because i dont see them
because i want to be with her because i dont have much time with her yanno
but then
the thing is...
with the friends i know
they cannot be mended together in anyways
there all on way different sides of their own spectrum
and i see no connection at all through them..
and where does that leave me

what kind of person am i?
does that mean there are so many different parts of me
that i cant even choose to be who i really am which is all of them...
i cant put it all together..i canot mend them together
and i know i would be satisfied if i would
but ill see whats happening...

im listening to the used...
great band..great music
great memories
good bye

enjoy life the way you want to...and when you feel something is wrong check yourself...please yourself first and foremost...love fully...and when all else fails be kind.

well theres a party thing happening for me tonight

STODO took me out
and i realized so much of what kind of person she is
and it was just something to make me realize that it isnt that hard to do what she does
just need to have time for other people
is what i need to do yanno

she really made me cry inside when she came
got me balloons and a card
how wonderful she is
and how simply she did it for me
im glad i met her
and its just puts me back where...what kind of friend am i to deserve that
what have i done for her
and sometimes just being there is enough........

im still not excited to turn 21
im going through a relapse of myself
i want alone time
but how do i go about saying that

im somehow not excited to turn 21
im just so yeah about it...
i really dont know
but im not excited at all to turn 21

so this past saturday i decided to do something i felt happy doing when i was happy with friends
i tried to see if i can bring people together out of nowhere
and it did happen
first i brough paksiw together
it felt everyone was happy that they were together just chillin for the first time in hella
because it hasnt just been them..
where will lead to me to a different topic later in this epilogue of stories.

then
after i kicked it with them i decided to go see eileen
then on the way i played out something in my head
where i wanted geoff and me and lynn to be there talking to eachother
bare skin
truth and honesty as much as we could
pain or sorrow whatever we felt
i wanted things to go down that night...
and it turns out it did...
it turned out more than what i expected.
i wanted both of them to be there..to let them know how much they mean to me
and for the bridges that i burned to them...
im willing to use my own hands and build them back again to whatever it could be
it doesnt have to be a golden gate bridge...
it could just be as beautiful as any bridge over a bedside creek...

and that night it happened..a
another chapter in my life of realization of what kind of person i am
these people bring out who i am...internally
which i am not satisfied with all
yes i hear i am chaning taking baby steps
but im still the progressing to any known status of appreciation.

what kind of person does it make me to ignore a person and not ask them to my own birthday..
and payback is a bitch..
when i heard they were going to throw me a suprise birthday party.
what kind OF PERSON AM I!!!.
i seem to brush everyone off as if they were just a tiny bit of dust on my shoulder...
i feel that way so many times..but its the resistance i have to fight it..yanno
and i know i have these people here for me to help me along the way..
i dont want to put my hopes up or anything for what we have
but i would want our friendship to create possibilites that we would smile about.

but...to the point...i really just want to be on the short end of the stick...
at this point of my life i have been fed and given whatever i wanted...
i want the dead end of the ropes...
i want to feel left empty and be able to reach for joy and not ever grasping it...
i want to let go of all my ties with anyone and bare loneliness in my life...
i always though other people needed more attention and i gave it
but in reality...it was I that needed the attention more than anything else.
i want to leave these newly found people..not leave them but break from them for awhile.

its just to influential for me to handle.
and to me even though they say you fit just perfectly with us
and everything like that...
but they are established..and they need to see that when something is established in the books of history...its hard to ever re write them or edit them with your own story...
so i feel comfortable and i love them to death...
but my perspective about friends still ly solely in my heart and i know what i really want
i know that im not as important as other members ...and
thats where it gets me..i dont speak up much..when i shouldve...the topic came up if they were intimidating
and i said yes..but i didnt really explain..and if i would i would like to explaing..that why it feels so intimidating...is because they CLAIM people...they claim to own them as there own toys and such..like oh yeah i know him yeah hes "MY" friend....

and sometimes the low little grude against some people
and the fact of letting people in and out of this affiliation.
it seems like a bad mouthing.
these are great people to me
but as a group its a diffferent story.
each individual have their own little excerpt to put in...
but when the narrator starts to speak...all is supposedly said and done...

i need to sleep