the days go by fast and slow at the same time for me
i have no sense of time at all
and i cant seem to grasp my life and keep it still for just one moment
there is alway ssomething going on...

you know those are those times where
you just want to relax be free and go to some place where no one cares
and be around those people that dont care what is happening else in the world
everything is just ok
everything is just passing us by...
but once reality is hit into our face of vision our lifes are fast forwarded into the fast lane
so
where does that leave us...we always want to take our time
but there will always be something that we need to do.
we will never be not occupied
we could be lazy and feel like oh we dont have to do anything
but in real sense...we are just building up more buildings of things that we need to do

there is always something to do
always
it just depends where you put your time to what you do
time and space
have an awkard connection that only the beholder is capable of finding out
the space we take to do things will always clash with the time we have to do all the things we need to do
i want to be free for one day
i want to relax for one day
one day ...but that one day is just going to build so many building of shit i need to do
and all you have to ask yourself
is it worth it..?

i have this buring question in my mind
its all about life and how am i supposed to live it
i think im living it the wrong way..im thinking something in my head
just do it all and as much as you can
but the way im doing it seems like im wasting more time
im take chances with some things
but im not remembering where i should be spending my time

i have to struggle with time issues and who and where and what
i cant seem to intertwine them all together and just feel like
im one with everyone
everyone of me and friends are going to be different...
i know things arent going to be the way i hope them to be
so i should just stop hoping for the best
unless i do something about it
i wonder when i will be satisfied with who i am and who i come to be
ill never know but someday i know itll come

make the best with what i have is what i can imagine for now
but until that comes..ill just wait and watch this process
until i grow into something more defined...

so i just read an old post on here
and it suprised me how much i remembered everything i said
i could remember everything as if it was yesterday
well i could live it out
it 530 am and im talkin to geoff right now
and a lot has changed since the last time i really wrote in here

i moved away from elk grove
to a new place called home in the roseville area...
i met a whole new bunch of friends
and sadly forgot my old ones
that leaves me leading to something where i found in memoirs of a geisha...
i think i have a lot of water...
i seem to move from place to place alot
never ever staying where im satisfied

water seems to flow to the lowest point..
and it just seems im flowing lower and lower than i was before
i felt like i was at my peak before
but now it just feels like im slowly draing myself out of who i am
or who i was
or who i should be
i have no clear conscience or guide to hold my hand...
i dont need one
i just need to remember who i was what i need and who i could be
i just need to be around the people who i was with
when i became me
i need to resist the new feature and remmeber where i came from
but why am i so hypotcritcal
i used to write about knowing past before moving on to a new person
i wrote aboutit with my grandma
and what does that make me
i really dont know
i do love the people i kick it with now
but i do also have my drawback towards them
its like i have to join them to see what kind of people they are
and how others see them...

i went to salinas this past weekend and i found a new philosphie
about myself but cant seem to remember it because of the time with the family
i know it was really important
but it had to do with honesty and being able to confront and just being myself

ive been trying to work hard lately on being myself
the saying in my head the lynn keeps banging into my head...dont forget where you came from..
i have this striving to go back to elk grove..well whenever im in elk grove i just drive around to the houses i used to kick it at...i cant go to larrys much..its burned...
noli...derek..kim...jon...i know i wasnt close to some of them..but i made them in my mind so much to me...
but what did i ever do for myself..why did i give so much of myself
and not get anything back in return..i did whatever i could just to be with them
and i dont know how to be treated back
i miss them though..i miss the folks i met though pyc
i was just talkin to judzon...a great cat i missed..and will always have fun with no matter what
i just remmeber a talk that me and him and john reyes had at my house one evening in the summer where we had nothing else to do
we talked hours about dreams...analysis philosphies..our opinions on dreams
and to me i hold that one of my most important conversations i ever had..
i will never forget that dream conversation.

i had so much for myself a few years ago...
now i dont think i nutured myself enough before i set for my career
i think my mind is still yearning to learn more
but i do want to go back to school
but i dont know for what this time..something thatll get me somewhere
or something that will satisfy me
i think im going to do the science shtii and try to minor in sociology
just because i want to
i want to do this
but you know what i never do it
thats another change i must do
and make myself learn
like lynn said..if i really wanted to i would....
i love you family granmda
geoff golda larry lynn
i love you all